25. A Lost Loss

Elegy to a Lost Loss

I have a sudden realization that you must be gone
because I’m not crying, or wearing black.

Fear of this intense detachment embraces
me and with fervor I’m suddenly pawing through books,
searching for songs, gazing at pictures

as though these typical activities will lure you back again. I realize
that this is the problem--

I’ve been using you for too long
And now that you’re gone,
what fortitude will my writing have, without you to push me?

I think this relationship is shriveling because of your betrayal--
It’s been three weeks since I’ve cried with any real power

so what did you expect me to do? You were withdrawing,
but you’re a necessity now so I had to resort
to ways of keeping you with me.

It doesn’t seem right, for you to up and leave like this without warning,
because we’ve been so closely tied for so long and it’s your duty to prop me up

but then I wonder was it really without warning? I think you’ve been trying
to tell me, for a long time now, that you had to go
and I resisted despite the drawbacks, because you make me feel whole.

You may be right, but you’ve been such a big part
Of my written life thus far, that I don’t care.

An overabundance of you encompasses me, so where are you now--
I need you most, at this moment, because I’m not ready to step
back in to reality from our most recent rendezvous.

This one--
This one was just too much for me, you know that, and that’s why I’m not ready.

Did I take advantage of you? Is that why you’re leaving me?
I’ll admit there were times when I leaned too heavily, searched for
easy replacements, but what else do I have?

I fear that my writing can only contain fear
and death, because this is all I have experienced

And so, you must stay, because I draw from you.

______

This is the elegy I wrote for this week. Unfortunately, I'm very unhappy with it, because it isn't at all what I set out to do. I really wanted to write about this feeling I understand well--when your grief is withdrawing from you, it seems, because you don't think about it as much as you used to, and the guilt that ensues; I wanted to mix this with the idea that maybe this grief-feeling is dispersing because you've been using it too heavily lately either because you feel you should be sad or for inspirational purposes. I don't like the product and will likely rewite it because this is something I've wanted to write for a few weeks now, but I did find it interesting to write an elegy to an idea rather than to a person. It's surprisingly difficult, but I suggest everyone try it.